Nikky's Diary - Letting go

Have you gotten to that point in your life when you are suddenly tired of being the shoulder everyone leans on, the strong person who thinks showing emotions only makes you weak? The one that takes all the BS so everyone gets to enjoy their comfort zones?

The one who shows up when you really do not want to, the fragile you who says you are okay and acts really tough when everything is going downhill and the people you always stick your neck out for are the ones hurting you? The one who accomodates and fixes all the broken people, the human messiah who gets backstabbed and smirked at by the same people whose baggage of failure and ineptitude you are bearing gallantly? The one who has to dim your shine so others would shine like fake diamonds they are, throw shades at you and yet not feel threatened by your radiance?

Well, I finally got to that point with you. 

Yeah, I am finally done with all that perfectionism and playing god. I have decided to put a stop to all that craziness! No more sticking around when I should be running out. No more taking in all the dirt while putting up appearances, making funny faces at cams, saying yes instead of screaming NO and putting a firm foot down.

Why am I doing this to you?

Sweetheart, I am not a miracle worker. Even PMB cannot handle all our needs in this country.  If you have a problem kindly take it to the Lord in prayers. As a friend, I will pray for you as well as encourage you to join me to lay all our worries at the Saviours feet. I am really done with all the fake attitude.

So what if we loose friends and get some people feeling threatened by this new us? 

Hey, you are a star and no one should steal your shine. You are meant for greatness and great people do not hide. If I can be okay with all their attitude, then you can too. In truth, you and I will feel different on this new part we have chosen, but I have learnt it is okay to feel and be different. They will gradually learn to accept this super awesome, happy and fresh you.

I sincerely don't know how I got to this phase, but it sure feels good to be vulnerable, imperfect, safe, loved and eager to actually be alive with people who understand and appreciate me for who I am. It feels good to let Him run things for me. I am definitely saving all my energy for the truly broken ones, the less privileged and those who are genuinely depressed. If you can't stand this heat, do yourself a favor and look for another kitchen.